Saturday, May 9, 2009

P(red)MS

Yesterday I completely lost my mind. Usually someone with the ability to self screen and the discipline to choose when to speak, to whom, about what and in what way, I rarely lash out, and I rarely 'react' in haste. I have angry moments like anyone else, but they are rare and I usually find them much more traumatic than those around me. Normally, I am an underinflated balloon that can have a sharp needle pressed against it without bursting.

Yesterday I woke up feeling besieged by the many responsibilities and tasks of the day ahead. I got up and started to cross things off the list. While I didn't feel angry, I did feel stressed and anxious. It would be fair to say that I was humourless. Oblivious to the moods, wants and needs of the others in my environment, I focused on each task and each of my basic needs so early in the morning. I was overinflated and wouldn't withstand contact with the terrible popcorn cealing that is in nearly every room in our house.

My resting zone was on the red line (or should I say the pred line). In an efort to protect myself, to keep myself from becoming truly hysterical, all threats had to be dealt with quickly and efficiently. There was no time to be tactful, no extra energy to explain, just a flash of dark eyes, a look that meant death and an order barked in the direction of anyone who was about to push a button, anyone who had already strayed into the danger zone or anyone who seemed oblivious to the state of my mental health.

This reaction to threat, while self-protection, was not helpful. It triggered a negative response that was much worse than the original trigger. My left foot was placed firmly atop a bug to squash it and it went right through the floor.

I realized today that this wasn't just a pred mood swing. This was me on PMS on Pred. Pred is not responsible for everything that is wrong with me or my life. It just makes everything worse.

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