Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Bathroom: 0 (urgency, discomfort, lower back pain)

Rather than making any big decisions or announcements based on careful thought and consideration, I have instead allowed my feelings to pull me this way and that way all day. My colon is being a bit rebellious me thinks and it has taken over my mood and run amuck.

I made another roast chicken today. After I strained the gravy I stood over the pan and picked out all the bits of cooked carrot. Those organic carrots were so damn good that after cooking for hours they still had form and tasted like freakin' carrots. Damn they were good. I looked ridiculous. So! I didn't eat the onions or celery okay.

I tried to do some work. I have not been to work since February. I have things that should have been done a long time ago. I have not been able to get to them. I tried today after checking my email. I should not have looked but I did what I felt like doing instead of what was good for me. I got my work folders out and started trying to put this report together. The anxiety started to build and the discomfort got worse. My entire body became fatigued and started to ache. I got up and walked away. Went back to fiddling with the chicken.

While I fiddled with the chicken I felt guilty about the open document on my computer that my colleague really needed and I went back up. The feelings got worse and they dictated my actions. I had to abandon ship. I should not have started in the first place but I had to send something to her. I packaged up everything and then wrote a covering letter explaining that I could not finish the report and what I had done up to that point. Being the control freak that I am, I also wrote up what still has to happen to finish the report (the way that I would do it). I did let it go. I sent it to my boss and my colleague. She will finish it and it will be awesome.

I have one more work thing that I should do. I am immobilized to start. Maybe next week. I can not do it.

I have not read anything for school. I don't want to. I want to eat bad things. I am watching bad t.v.

I finished preparing dinner. I made them all eat roast chicken dinner again. I think they are getting board with it. I adore it cause it is filling, it is tasty and I can eat it! They have had it once a week for at least 4 weeks now. Not much if you ask me. I eat it 3 times a week. I eat chicken almost every day. No one commented. They ate and went away. I snuck some peas onto my plate and ate them. They were green and good. Amuck.

I have to contact a couple of people tonight and prepare a document of a more personal nature. This is important and I need to do it. I need to prepare a proper folder, print out some documents, a map, and do some reading. Amuck, Amuck, Amuck. I am spinning.

I make apple turnovers. The kind that comes out of a can. The kind that you stick a spoon into and the can actually pops open and the dough begins to expand. Can you imagine what kind of crap is in that? I shouldn't have things like that in the house but I wanted to buy an apple pie on the weekend and I couldn't find any. The first week I was sick, I ate apple pie for breakfast. It was the only thing that I could make myself eat. Then the doctor got all strict with my diet and I had to give it up. I want apple pie now. I had to settle for pop and fresh. Oh god. Oh, and I burned them.

I am now shoving plain unsalted sunflower seeds into my mouth. Will this make it all okay?

I picked up my medical diary a couple of times today. I have trouble remembering the days that I can't go compared to the days when I can. I can't remember what I ate yesterday or if I took a multivitamin. I am supposed to write it down. I didn't. Not a word yesterday. Not a word today. It is within reach right now. I don't want to do it.

I think maybe I am angry.

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